Smoke Me A Kipper
by CretianStar
Summary: In an entirely different universe Ace is reminded of Red Dwarf's Dave, and he finally manages to do what he wanted to the scouser. Naughtiness inside.


A/N: I tried to upload this yesterday but it's only just gone up now!

I'm fairly new to the Red Dwarf fandom so please feel free to leave anything constructive in the reviews!

Enjoy.

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Ace Rimmer did not honestly expect to meet a better looking version of himself.

But there she was, staring up at him with wide brown eyes as she took in the sight of the hunk of pilot in front of her.

He supposed dimension jumping into her vehicle was not the way to win her over. The pair had parked up on the side of the busy metropolis and she was glaring at him, tapping an impatient foot.

"You absolute lunatic! You do not just jump out of nowhere and expect to be in the right!" She fumed and he held his hands up in apology.

"Have I pranged the ship at all ma'am?" His sultry voice made her pause for a moment before she frowned again, examining the bumper of her car. "You have, my husband will fix it but you best come back with me to explain why there's a dent in my car!" She hissed and got back into the vehicle, rolling down the window to tell him to follow her.

It took all of her Ace's brain power to follow the brunette's instructions but he hopped back into his own ship and the pair soared off into the black. He was careful to keep an eye on her tail-lights as she pulled off the main highway down towards a small planet. The pair navigated the smaller roads before she pulled up at a hangar. Ace waited as she parked up inside the hangar door and shut off his engine when she stepped out.

"Wait here." She scowled and disappeared into her front door, returning shortly with another two people. Ace groaned. He hadn't wanted to mess up another Arnold Rimmer – well only this one wasn't another _Arnold_, he wondered what her name was.

"Good afternoon Sir, I understand you crashed into my wife's ship." The man before was interesting; dark skinned, his long hair pinned back with a black ribbon in a very loud suit. Ace bent his head, recognising the man to be a counterpart of the padre from his own dimension.

"I am terribly sorry Sir, I was dimension jumping and the landing isn't always satisfactory. It seems that my ship locks onto the genetic parallel of myself, it's what's happened with my last few jumps, it allows me to find the other version of myself rather than wandering around their dimension aimlessly." Ace explained softly and the man nodded.

"Call me Cat, I understand, we've been trying to get one of those ships working for a while. Amelia, are you satisfied with his response?" He'd turned back to his wife whose face had softened in response.

"Lister please can you take Mr Rimmer inside? I'm sure we have something to satisfy him." Rimmer allowed himself to be led in by the other man. He was identical to the Lister he had seen in the Red Dwarf dimension. He was just better dressed; a loose fitting button down shirt, simple black jeans and his dreadlocks were plaited and out of the way. Either he was Amelia's lodger or butler. He was guessing butler as he held his expression neutral and polite to the stranger as the pair headed towards the large kitchen diner.

"Which side is your bread buttered Sir?" Lister turned to face him in the kitchen and Ace had to swallow hard. He'd wanted to kiss the last Lister that looked like this and that question made his groin tighten slightly.

"On the top." His voice is just above a whisper and the look sent his way by Lister made him thankful for the loose fitting pants.

"That's a shame." Lister's light tone did not hide his meaning and before Ace knew it he was kissing the man hard. Lister was responding just as forcefully, his tongue deep in Rimmer's mouth making him moan. Lunch was discarded as the two men kissed passionately, his female counterpart and her husband had vanished as the pair started to strip quickly, bodies colliding.

A hastily acquired bottle of olive oil served as lube as Rimmer plunged into Lister's willing body, noises and grunts filling the kitchen.

They didn't hear Amelia and Cat making equally loud love in the other room, turned on by the stranger banging their butler.

It was a while until the room settled down into satiated quiet, the second couple had sprawled on the couch, a blanket hastily thrown over the pair of them while the two men were stretched across the dining table, breathing heavily and staring at one another.

"Will you be staying long?" Lister asked suddenly and Rimmer tensed slightly.

"Golly old thing, barely even wiped the sweat from our brows and you're already asking for the next round." He laughed hesitantly and stepped back again.

"I didn't mean to rush you but well if you're dimension jumping then you're not gonna hang around too long, with the infinite variations waiting for you!" Lister pulled his underparts back on, feeling the delicious glow in his backside.

"I can stay a couple more days." Rimmer conceded and took Lister into his arms for a chaste kiss.

"I hate to interrupt." A clothed Amelia stepped back into the kitchen, laughing at the two practically naked men who sprang apart at her voice. "Don't mind me there but Cat and I want some food, Lister you have the next few days off." She waves her hand dismissively, collects her rations and dances her way upstairs with a knowing smile.

To be fair, Cat nor Amelia saw much of Ace and Lister, the pair secluded away in Lister's apartment above the garage. They did see him when it was finally time for the pilot to depart, a week later with their butler looking like he was struggling to hold it together while Ace climbs into his ship.

"I'd say I'm sorry for pranging your vehicle ma'am but I'd never have met Dave without you." He nodded towards his counterpart. "Thank you sir." He nodded also to Cat and his eyes lingered on Dave who gave him a tight smile. They'd clearly said their goodbyes.

"Good luck Ace." Amelia smiled and waved once. "Try not to crash into any more of us." She winked and he let out a short chuckle.

"I'll try Ma'am. Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast." He saluted the trio.

"I would." Amelia Rimmer said drily. "But you've used up all the oil."

She laughed quietly as the pilot went a beautiful shade of red and jumpjetted his ship off into the black oblivion.

_He knew he'd never meet a Dave Lister like him._


End file.
